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Archive for the ‘Confidence’ Category

If he is already seeing someone else, for heaven’s sake don’t go for him.

It is truly remarkable how many girls go after guys who are already attached. Remarkable and sad. Remarkable because they think all their problems would be solved if only they could pry some guy away from his current partner. Sad because these girls tie their emotional well-being, their future and their sense of self exclusively to their current circumstances.

It is cliché to say that there are a lot of fish in the world. If we are talking about fish, there aren’t. Prices for fresh fish are going through the roof. If you’ve had sushi in the last few years you’ve probably seen that price increase and I don’t have to tell you about it. Lack of supply, increase in demand and all that. If we are talking about guys, there is no problem with supply and there are lots more of them out there. Luckily, humans increase their numbers at an alarming rate. For the environment this is bad. For a girl looking for a guy this is good.

Girls go after guys who are attached because they know another girl has already done her research. The tough work has already been done by someone else — why not just sweep in and enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labor. The problem is that if you do somehow coax him to leave his current girl for you, who’s to say that he won’t leave you at some point in the future? Any possibility of you trusting him in the future has already been compromised by your own actions. That’s a shame, isn’t it? So, even if you do convince a guy who you know to leave his girl for you, while you may think you are solving your problems in the short term you are not helping yourself in the long term.

A more fundamental problem is that these girls are short sighted in another way — she looks for prospective guys based only on her current circumstances. She looks at her friends, sees who they are dating and decides that those guys are the limits of her options. To a rational person this makes no sense. There are millions of guys in America alone. There are billions across the whole world. Guess what…many of them are single! Why do certain girls just try to poach guys who are dating other girls? Because it is the easy thing to do.

It is far easier to continue hanging out with the same people (and trying to steal their guys from behind their backs) than it is to go out and meet completely new people. Yet this is what must be done. It is far healthier to get out there, join a club, join an organization or start your own, join a sports league, talk to strangers in the subway or on the street. Meet people in random and interesting ways. At first it will be difficult but in the long run well worth it. I should add on this last point: if you are younger you can get away with this. If you are older you may look crazy, and while certain guys go for craziness, you probably wouldn’t want to go for them.

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If he is going bald ungracefully, you may have to re-evaluate things.

This is a difficult subject for anyone to talk about and especially difficult for bald men. Baldness is one of those difficult subjects that we are taught as children never to bring up in polite company. But address it we must. If you are interested in a guy then you have at least a 20% chance that he is going bald — that’s 1 in 5 guys. Do you know 5 guys? Then you probably know at least one struggling with his impending baldness. Maybe the changes to his hairline are happening so slowly that you can’t notice. But if you were to close your eyes now and open them in 5 years time, poof! You’d see the change then.

Given the fact that men do go bald, and as they get older a higher percentage of them are bald, it is important to examine how men deal with this. In the 1980s the toupe became an unfortunate cliche for bald men. How many movies or sitcoms have you seen showing men wearing terrible hair-pieces to hide the embarrassment of what they were losing underneath. This embarrassment and fear is understandable. It’s the answer that guys have to women’s concerns with their weight and a lack of confidence is at the heart of the matter.

So, we know this problem is common and that men have great difficulty dealing with it. How does this impact you? Well, for one, good luck finding the toilet in his washroom amidst the lotions, potions and pills he uses to keep his remaining hair in place. For another, if he doesn’t feel confidentand comfortable about himself how will his lack of confidence be manifest elsewhere in your relationship? I think you know what I mean…

If your guy is going bald ungracefully all is not lost and there is hope. Going bald is a process — it doesn’t all fall out at once. If he is just starting to lose it then obviously this is a new and difficult issue for him to confront and there is hope that he will learn how to cope with his new state. Although he may have a lack of confidence now and clings to the few remaining hairs on his head, he may learn in the future to proudly show off his dome.

On the other hand, if he has been losing his hair for some time and continues to hide it with a comb-over, sweep-over or some other way, then be careful. These guys have had time to deal with their new condition but have averted their eyes from it and have not gained the confidence to celebrate their new status. What do you think they are going to do when more serious changes happen later in life? I think you already know the answer — avert their eyes and ignore it. Are you interested in that? Or are you interested in a guy who will address his issues straight on. I thought so.

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If you are interested in a guy who thinks he is an expert on everything, be careful.

There are guys who think they know everything (which admittedly is most guys) and there are guys who think they are experts on everything. This is the difference between a guy who will be interested in engaging you in conversation on a bunch of different subjects and a guy who will tell you how you are wrong even if he doesn’t really know what he is talking about. The first type of guy can be charming in his own way, the latter is utterly annoying and a waste of your time.

Let me illustrate. If you are out at a museum with a guy who thinks he knows everything, he’ll feel free to venture his opinion about the art you see. “I love Picasso’s early works,” he might say, or “Don’t you think Seurat’s drawings are under-appreciated?” His thoughts might be grounded in actual fact or they might be based on what he heard another couple talking about while you were in the washroom. Regardless, it shows he’s interested in what you are doing together. It may also allow you an opportunity to give him your opinion. If you’re lucky he’ll even be interested in hearing it!

The guy who thinks he’s on expert on everything, on the other hand, will say something like, “You know what’s great about this painting?” as he gestures towards van Gogh’s self-portrait in which he cut off his ear. You might be tempted to say, “The colors are so relevant for the time,” or What an interesting approach to a self portrait” or “van Gogh was insane at the time.” But he’ll say something like, “No. Not that. You know that van Gogh’s ear when he cut it off weighed only 2 ounces, right? I bet you didn’t know that! In fact, most human ears weigh at least 4 ounces.” Now, what are you supposed to do with this? It is a fact that only a doctor could possibly know and he is no doctor. But here he is, telling you this as an expert. This effectively puts him in the place of authority as the teacher and you in a subservient position as his pupil. Lucky you.

If you do encounter this guy, don’t question his expertise. There’s no point. Whether he is with you or someone else, he will remain the expert. Whether you are talking about the weather, art, tv, gender issues or any other topic, he will say things in such a way that makes it impossible for you to question or engage with him on an equal level. My advice: don’t waste your time.

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