3. If he plays video games…

 

When you were twelve or fourteen or sixteen years old, chances are the guys you knew loved to play video games. This was fine and this was expected. But, just as flowers lose their blooms so too are guys supposed to stop playing video games as they reach a certain age. I’m no expert about at what point this change is supposed to happen, but if you are interested in a guy and he cancels getting together with you because he has to meet up with his buddhies to play World of Warcraft (WoW), then you have a guy who plays video games too much. I truly hope that you never learn about WoW, for it is a death knell for a relationship (just as Dungeons and Dragons was for an earlier generation).

WoW is clearly in its own class as far as video games go. You can do your research on this or you can trust me. I recommend just taking my word for it because life is best enjoyed with as little knowledge of WoW as possible. If you come across a guy who plays WoW don’t bother going any further with the relationship. Your only chance is if you play as well. In that case you, as a level 10 Mage can make sweet computer-mediated love with your level 10 Paladin boyfriend.

Beyond WoW players, it is a little less clear at which point you have reason to be concerned. If he plays solitaire or some other trite, easy-to-pick-up game while he is at work or at home to kill time, then you are probably fine. Chances are he has perspective on where video games fit in his life. If he has an old Sony Playstation 2 or X-Box sitting in the corner gathering dust, then you are probably fine. Just be sure to check the amount of dust… (Note: if he has an original, well-preserved Nintendo, then watch out — those machines were designed to break in 1998 so he must be doing something unnatural to keep it working.) However, if he bought a brand-new Playstation 3 when it first came out, along with games and the extra controller for over $800, then beware.

The bottom line is, if you are looking for a boy who loves his toys then by all means go ahead and try your luck. But if you are looking for a guy who will treasure you and keep his hands off his controllers then back away slowly. Don’t let him sense your fear. Remember, video game players are finely-tuned killing machines, at least against pixelated threats.

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2. If he thinks he’s an expert on everything…

 

If you are interested in a guy who thinks he is an expert on everything, be careful.

There are guys who think they know everything (which admittedly is most guys) and there are guys who think they are experts on everything. This is the difference between a guy who will be interested in engaging you in conversation on a bunch of different subjects and a guy who will tell you how you are wrong even if he doesn’t really know what he is talking about. The first type of guy can be charming in his own way, the latter is utterly annoying and a waste of your time.

Let me illustrate. If you are out at a museum with a guy who thinks he knows everything, he’ll feel free to venture his opinion about the art you see. “I love Picasso’s early works,” he might say, or “Don’t you think Seurat’s drawings are under-appreciated?” His thoughts might be grounded in actual fact or they might be based on what he heard another couple talking about while you were in the washroom. Regardless, it shows he’s interested in what you are doing together. It may also allow you an opportunity to give him your opinion. If you’re lucky he’ll even be interested in hearing it!

The guy who thinks he’s on expert on everything, on the other hand, will say something like, “You know what’s great about this painting?” as he gestures towards van Gogh’s self-portrait in which he cut off his ear. You might be tempted to say, “The colors are so relevant for the time,” or What an interesting approach to a self portrait” or “van Gogh was insane at the time.” But he’ll say something like, “No. Not that. You know that van Gogh’s ear when he cut it off weighed only 2 ounces, right? I bet you didn’t know that! In fact, most human ears weigh at least 4 ounces.” Now, what are you supposed to do with this? It is a fact that only a doctor could possibly know and he is no doctor. But here he is, telling you this as an expert. This effectively puts him in the place of authority as the teacher and you in a subservient position as his pupil. Lucky you.

If you do encounter this guy, don’t question his expertise. There’s no point. Whether he is with you or someone else, he will remain the expert. Whether you are talking about the weather, art, tv, gender issues or any other topic, he will say things in such a way that makes it impossible for you to question or engage with him on an equal level. My advice: don’t waste your time.

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1. If everything he says is a joke…

If you meet a guy and everything he says is a joke, proceed with caution. 

Many guys think they are funny. Few actually are. If you meet a guy who likes to joke around, that is ok and by itself is not cause for alarm. That just means he fits neatly into the majority of guys who think they are funny. But if he is incapable of having a serious conversation with you, alarm bells should be going off in your head just like the red light bursting in a stand-up comedian’s eyes before he is mercifully dragged off the stage at the end of an unfortunate performance.

We all use humor to mask our real feelings and guys are no different. No one wants to be with a guy who is emotionally available all the time. Sure, you may want to know that your guy has cried before. But you don’t want an emotional basket-case who breaks down in a fit of tears at the slightest provocation or at the latest made-for-tv-movie on the Hallmark channel. On the other hand, can you imagine being with Jim Carrey (seemingly the epitome of a guy who is emotionally shut off from others)? If being with a guy who is emotionally close to being a twelve-year-old boy interests you, this post is for you. Guys like that do not change — are incapable of change — and you would do well to avoid them. 

Jokes are of course a good way to diffuse tension and gain the attention and affection of others. In moderation these are acceptable reasons for guys to make jokes. At the right moment, jokes are entirely necessary. We all remember the time when you got caught in class doing something bad (you tell me! I know you have a story) and the class-clown made the perfectly timed joke to take attention away from you. You loved the guy then! But if you are interested in a relationship with a perpetual jokester and you think you can change their behavior and teach them limits, know that you cannot. If on your first date he is more interested in making you laugh than finding out about you and your interests, you must know that he is going to act the same way in the future. Imagine coming home tired from work in ten years time wanting to confide in him your annoyances of the day and he greets you at the door with his lame imitation of the latest Hollywood comedic offerings. Get out now while you can.

I should note that guys who are professional comedians are exempt from this warning but deserve their own special warning. In my experience, professional comedians are rarely if ever funny in real life. They save their best material for the stage, making them hollow shells of their comedic selves in their daily interactions with others. For this reason it is probably best to avoid comedians as well. Can you imagine being with a dour guy who lives to please others for the rest of your life?

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